I'm not a very good "blogger".
In high school, it did not take long for me to abandon Diaryland.
In college, I mostly used MySpace to stalk my future husband (love you honey).
I once started a blog intending to keep a record of my process of applying, interviewing, and trying to get accepted to medical school. I complained about things that were hard, gave advice to anyone willing to take it, and tried my best to give a detailed account of exactly what has to be done if you want to be a physician (because a lot of it is very complicated). I had some followers, but eventually I got lazy with it, I forgot my password, and I have now even forgotten what website I used for it.
Now that I am in medical school, I am too busy. The world does not need to know what I do every single day, how I feel about everything in existence, or have a thorough description of my likes and dislikes and musical taste and political opinions. But... sometimes I want to write things, whether everyone or no one reads them.
I am jealous.
I am jealous of people who write so well, who describe the most boring hours of the day with so much emotion, who spill their feelings effortlessly into words somehow, who paint pictures of their lives with sentences.
I was once better at using words, putting the right ones together to get the right effect. I have never been artistic or talented by any means in writing, but it used to be something I secretly enjoyed and was relatively good at. I always wanted to be better. Writing is just one thing I want to improve. I have a list of things I want to do, to accomplish, to learn, to see, to experience. But instead... I pursued my "lifelong dream of becoming a physician". God help me.
Medical school has been the most dream-crushing, soul-killing, reality-hitting-you-like-a-brick-in-the-face-every-day, stressful, and brain-numbing experience of my life.
I can just see my 8-year-old self reading about the brain and the heart in my mom's collection of encyclopedias, dreaming about knowing everything there is to know about the human body, imagining what it would be like to do surgery, to see real organs, to make dying people live again. I imagined patients being grateful for my help, I envisioned a team of other physicians and nurses working by my side to conquer a complicated medical problem, and I had no concept of money at all.
Sixteen years later, I am in my second year of medical school, and it has not exactly been a dream come true. More patients today sue their physicians for the silliest, tiniest reasons than ever before. No one trusts their doctor. People do everything they can (some even die) before they will go see their doctor. Physicians aren't allowed to touch patients at all without explicit permission. Physicians have to follow strict rules set by insurance companies, and they have a minimum number of patients they are required to see each day. If they don't meet their minimum, they don't get paid by the insurance companies. Patients do not know this. Patients whine and complain and make a scene if they are not seen the minute the clock strikes their appointment time. It is not the physician's fault if they have a patient or two that has a problem serious enough to take up a couple of extra minutes of their time. They have to take care of them, even if it means the next person in line has to wait a little longer. I admit, it is annoying, and even I don't enjoy having to sit in a waiting room for two hours. But a physician cannot just kick out a sick patient once their 15-minute-visit-time-limit is up. They need help, and physicians are there to help them. Everyone needs to stop being so selfish and impatient. Nurses... I have the utmost respect for them. However, if you want to be a physician, go to medical school. If you want to be a nurse, go to nursing school. Trying to wiggle somewhere in between is not fair to patients and not fair to physicians. I am happy that nurses have the opportunity to continue their education and obtain doctoral degrees in their field, but it is extremely confusing to patients to have a nurse that introduces themselves as "doctor..." and it is frustrating to all physicians that nurses are trying to make new educational programs that will allow them to do things that formerly only properly-trained physicians were allowed to do. I will get off my soapbox on that note. Now for my rant on other physicians. Medical school students are naturally competitive. We have had to work harder than our peers for most of our lives to make good grades, be recognized in our communities, and work our way up the ladder of educational accomplishments to work towards our career goal. However, once we are all out in the real world working in hospitals and clinics, we need to work together. I mean, we all have a common goal - make people better. If one physician is not sure, they should be able to consult with others. Competition between physicians should not affect a patient's well being. Either this is getting worse in the field of the medicine, or it is just starting to come to my attention. Either way, it needs to stop. Everyone needs to work together, as the cohesive team that I envisioned as a child. Ok, money. I think I was in 7th grade when it dawned on me that physicians made pretty good money. I grew up imagining being rich one day if my dreams came true and I was able to be a doctor. This, too, has been crushed. Physician salaries have leveled off. They are not going up, but the cost of living and the cost of working as a physician (insurance, equipment, staff, etc) are going up. Also, insurance companies are not reimbursing as much. And to top it all off, medical school tuition is also going up. If I start my job as a physician at age 30, I will not have my loans paid off and start making the "good money" until I am probably 50. How disappointing is that? All of these years of hard work and good intentions, and still I must wait for my reward.
I am sorry for the negativity. Stress and the disappointments of life in general have just been weighing on me pretty hard lately. I will graduate at age 26 and complete by residency by age 29 (if all goes well). I have not yet taken a break from school, as I have transitioned immediately from high school to college to medical school. I have completely dedicated this decade of my life - my twenties, my young adulthood, the prime of my life, the time when I should be making my biggest life mistakes and learning from them - to school. I have not had the life of a typical twenty-something. I study on Friday nights instead of going out and my idea of a vacation is using any spare time I have to visit my parents.
I just hope this turns out to be a good investment.
Maybe one day I will be able to go home and actually relax, and maybe I will have time to have a hobby. Maybe I will start to write.
