looking for the patterns in static

walking through the wet leaves in the dark reminded me of my first semester. last fall, when i was confused and heart broken... when i didnt believe in sleep; instead i walked around observing the muddy leaves on the ground late at night or early in the morning, whatever you want to consider 2 a.m.... just pondering life and why it was so crazy. it was pretty crazy then. i still hadn't adjusted to the changes. i went to parties and sat in one spot hoping no one would notice me or my illegal cup of coconut rum and coca-cola. i lied to a lot of people about a lot of things then. i wasnt interested in intelligent or even unintelligent conversation from anyone... i just liked watching and listening... making observations. i wanted to write a book about all of the girls that ran around with cell phones stuck to their pretty faces and bottles of beer stuck in their pretty little hands. i wanted the world to know what i thought of those girls. i felt sorry for them. i thought it was sad how they assumed they had to be at those parties, wearing revealing dresses and too much perfume. i always wished for one of them to fall over in those unnecessarily tall heels. i wanted them to feel pain.

synapse to synapse, the possibility's thin

simple white dress. simple white cake. simple music notes drifting from the piano through the air to the ears of all my dearest friends and family. you and your smile and your charm and just you. our love that makes everyone sick with envy. oh the cute little flower girl. my girls and your guys. our best of friends/loved ones lined up beside us in this room full of daisies and candlelight. the smiles and the tears and making funny faces at each other because we're just silly like that. holding hands tightly as we run down the aisle, anxious to escape the flashes of cameras and the hugs from unknown relatives... but we are stopped and forced to stand and look pretty as pictures are made to ensure that these memories do not fade. i am showing off my ring to the ladies in the room even though my favorite accessory will always be you by my side. the cake is cut and the champagne glasses are filled. there are so many people to talk to, to smile at, to hug tightly, to accept congratulations from. my focus is constantly on you. i look through/over/around the person in front of me to make eye contact with you on the other side of the room. everyone in the room has been a part of my life and has loved me for longer than i can remember, but you... you are all i want/need. you ARE my life now. that makes me the happiest woman alive. we break free from the ceremony and the chatter by sneaking away to enjoy a quiet moment together in the back of the room before the music plays again... the whole day feels like a wonderful dream, but you look me in the eyes and whisper "i love you"... and as i say "i love you back" i realize that this is so much better than any dream could ever be. once again we join the crowd to dance and laugh and let our families gaze in wonder at us and how fabulous we are together. you hold me so close as we're dancing, pulling me away occasionally to stare into my eyes or kiss me on the cheek or whisper in my ear... they are all so jealous. happy for us, but jealous... and they should be. we are...perfect.

screaming/drunk/disorderly

sitting between friends, laughing at their drunken antics as the music is slowly ruining your ears, watching the people stumble around... the steady beat is replaced by a slower one - everyone drifts to the chairs that line the edges of the room and they proceed to fill the air with more smoke and kill a few more brain cells. the laughter has not died and the level of noise has not decreased... you are suddenly hit with the reality of the situation at hand. your lungs will hate you in the morning for breathing in this terrible atmosphere. your stomach will laugh as you lie in bed regretting every sip. your head will ache and your throat will be sore. joining the crowd once again... couples are sharing kisses and exchanging professions of love in dark corners. maybe lies and maybe truth... in here a lot stands in the way of making that decision. your own significant other leans your way and the scent of alcohol on their breath catches your attention. smiles lead to laughing and laughter leads to serious conversations involving life. emotions change with each drop that touches your lips and their lips and no final decisions can be made concerning anything. later it is learned that frequently checking the time will not make it fly by any faster... yet soon enough the laughter fades and the cheery faces turn to solemn stares directed toward nothing. drinks lose their taste, the smoke in the air gets heavier by the second, music seems distant and dull. an awkward silence is followed by a procession of dragging feet and blood-shot eyes through the door and to the vehicles in which they arrived at this decadent place. you have looked forward to leaving and now you are dreading the drive. cars full of sleeping passengers and weary drivers disappear one by one ahead of you as you grip the wheel tightly to help you stay awake. making it home with no scratches or bumps or evidence of what you have been up to forces a sigh of relief from your mouth. parking the car and opening the door to inhale what seems like the freshest of air revives you enough to help the others from the backseat to their beds. they all get tucked in and you think back on the evening... was the pleasure worth the pain? this lifestyle is not yours. it is one into which you have fallen quite by accident... you are terrified of what might be found at the bottom of this hole, but the sense of fear is perfectly balanced with a sense of mystery and a desire to know more.

pushing pulling & tasting tasting

i cry my tears and smear my makeup and consume my drink and shut out the daylight and laugh at myself because no one else is here to do so. i push away friends and throw things around and make a big mess and pull on my hair because no on else is here to stop me. i throw my fits and punch my pillows and then stare blankly out my window with nothing on my mind. absolutely nothing. it's as if i have completely drained myself of all emotion.

i sing in the shower and dance around my room and smile at everyone i see because i'm so happy and nothing can ruin my day. i hug my friends and wave to people passing by and laugh at myself for even considering frustration in a moment of stress. i walk quickly and lightly with an optimistic outlook and at the end of the day i stare blankly out my window with nothing on my mind. absolutely nothing.