The past 48 hours have been the most surreal of my life. Three months of separation - I forgot what it was like to be kissed, to be held, to be looked at that way. Bad dreams and nerves and anxiety made it hard to sleep and harder to eat. Getting there wasn’t as bad as coming back. 5 hour drive to get on a plane, two hour flight, one hour layover, one hour flight, one hour drive to the hotel. I was excited, couldn’t wait to get there, happy the whole way… so excited that I couldn’t fall asleep once I made it to the hotel. i dozed off around 3 am, beginning a cycle of sleeping and waking throughout the night.
He was still himself, not going to be any different besides the haircut and clothes… right? I guess I had that fear in the back of my mind that he HAD changed, that he would think differently, have new opinions, maybe not be as impressed with me as he once had been. Paranoid, but the thoughts were there.
I didn’t eat breakfast, barely sipped coffee… I was ready to go. The morning went by fast and the ceremony was short and sweet. I almost fell over the balcony trying to watch him walk across the stage. I was so proud of him. More than I’ve been proud of anyone for anything. It’s a little hard to believe that less than a year ago I was threatening to leave him if he signed up for this. But my love for him was greater than my fears, and I eventually had to let him do what he thought was best – and now, I couldn’t be happier for him. I am still scared to death of where this is going to take him and if it will take him away from me and for how long… I’m terrified of having to spend a year or more apart while he serves in another country. I try not to think about it, but how can you ignore something that is a very real possibility?
After the ceremony, I literally had to push my way through the crowd to get down the stairs and find him. I was shaking and really didn’t know what to expect. I was excited. I was nervous. I was happy. I was scared. But then… there he was. Every negative thought vanished the moment I laid eyes on him. Running towards him I felt like I was dreaming… someone stepped in my way and I pushed them aside without even thinking about it… no time for interruptions – I had to get my hands on him. I don’t even remember the second I got to him. I just remember being in his arms again and not being able to see or hear anything else going on around us.
In the four years we have been together, I have become an expert at reading him. I know how he’s feeling or what he’s thinking by the look on his face and the tone in his voice… but that day I had no idea what was going through his mind. Maybe he was tired, maybe he was just tougher. It worried me though. I tried to hold his hand and he flinched…. it pulled at my heart a little and I got scared, but he made up for it by putting his arm across my shoulder and kissing my forehead, and he told me we had to get out of there first. Apparently one is not allowed to show any form of public display of affection while in uniform. I wasn’t even supposed to hug him the way I did earlier. =) oh well.
Back in the car I felt safer and happier and closer to him. I could hold his hand and lay my head on his shoulder. You don’t realize how amazing those small things are until you are deprived of them for three months. I would hate to have to go a day longer than that. Just being close to him and being able to touch him and look at him in real life instead of a picture made me ecstatic. He was too handsome for words in his uniform, and I hated to see him take it off, but back at the hotel he was ready to wear jeans and a tshirt for a change. I don’t blame him. I took pictures of him dressed up and let him get comfortable so we could go out to eat. He still looked amazing to me…. And he did look different. He’s always been a jeans & tshirt guy, but this was not the same. What had changed? Muscles. Oh yes. He has them. I’ve never, ever, in four years seen him fill out a tshirt the way he did that day. Got my heart pumping a little bit faster and I couldn’t keep my hands off of him the rest of the day. I was constantly holding his arm or his hand or had my arm around his waist. I have to wait another two months to be with him again, so I wasn’t going to waste a single second being more than two inches away from him. One thing I did more than touch him was stare at him. I hadn’t seen his face in so long, and I was making sure I had it rememorized before he had to leave again. He still had the same amazing eyes and perfect teeth and charming smile, but one thing I had to grow accustomed to was his hair. His long dark hair has always been one of my favorite physical things about him, and now it was gone. The last time I saw him, it was about 4 inches long and I could run my fingers through it… this time, it was no more than a millimeter. It revealed a scar I had never discovered before, and that made me think of how much I still have yet to learn about him. It’s amazing that people can be together for years and still discover new things about one another.
Before we left the hotel room for lunch, he stopped me and put his hands on my neck and looked at me with so much love in his eyes I almost started crying. He told me I was beautiful, he pulled me closer to him, and he kissed me. Our first kiss in three months. It was so perfect, exhilarating, surreal; it didn’t last long enough for me to realize it was actually happening. That alone made the time and money invested into my trip worth it. Worth every penny. Worth every mile. Worth every minute. We finally headed out and spent some time in the real world. I could barely eat but watching him enjoy his food and talk to his family and play on the internet on his new phone made me happy. He was in a good mood and enjoying the moment. I couldn’t stop thinking about all he had been through the past 9 weeks… constantly being pushed to the limit physically and mentally and emotionally, being yelled at and talked down to, shooting guns and throwing grenades, barely sleeping and always being rushed… I was happy that he was finished and that he made it through safely. In the hour it took to enjoy our lunch, I probably thanked God ten billion times for keeping him safe. I never thought I could be as happy as I was sitting there with him. Again, it didn’t seem real. It was too good to be true. Too perfect to be real. But it was.
Coming back from lunch, he seemed a little more relaxed and my nerves were calming down a bit. We were heading back to the hotel room, alone now. But, although I came in the building calm, I started to get nervous again as we stepped onto the elevator. Neither of us said too much…but he stared me down with a look that made my heart almost stop. He wanted me and I wanted him, and that look said it all. Leaving the elevator and walking to the room seemed to take forever. He was kissing me and flirting with me and I thought the butterflies in my stomach were going to fly me away. Back in the room, it got quiet. It had been too long since the last time we were alone together. We took off our coats and our shoes and sat on the bed staring into one another’s eyes for a while, and then wrapped our arms around each other and didn’t let go. We didn’t need anything else at that point. I wanted to stay there in his arms with my head on his chest forever.
We spent the afternoon hugging, kissing, laughing, talking, watching tv, and even taking a nap. I could have done without the last two, but he had not seen a television since August and was exhausted. I watched his face as he watched tv, and I laid by his side and held him close as he slept. I was overwhelmed with the fact that he was mine and I was his, and that I was actually with him. I cried a lot too. I cried from happiness when we talked about how much we loved each other and missed each other and our plans for the future. I cried from sadness when we talked about how tough it was going to be when he had to leave again and how we had to wait until Christmas to be in the same place again. I talked a lot more than he did, but he was tired and I was just full of questions. We ignored our phone calls and text messages all day. No one else was important while we were together. Our time was too limited to spend on anyone else.
7 pm came too soon. He had to be back on base by 8, and we still had not had supper. He quickly got all of his things together as I sat on the bed and cried some more, and he sat there with me for a while attempting to calm me down. I couldn’t stand the thought of having to drop him off. He eventually dried my tears and we had to go. We stopped by Subway to get some food, and I couldn’t eat mine. Just the smell made me nauseous. I felt sick from being so upset. He made me get my food to go so I would have something for later. He was still in his jeans and tshirt, but had to be in uniform when he was dropped off at base, so he climbed in the backseat and changed clothes. He said it was too uncomfortable to wear for very long, so he was waiting until the last possible second.
It was hard to breathe as I drove him back. I tried to just focus on the road. Looking at him made me tear up, thinking of leaving him made me feel sick, but I couldn’t stop myself from doing either. I found a parking spot near his dropping off point, and we still had 15 minutes before he absolutely had to get out of the car and walk away. He hugged me and kissed me and I cried and cried and cried. I was an absolute wreck at this point. When we had 5 minutes left, we got out of the car and hugged and kissed and cried some more. I finally had to let him walk away, but he didn’t get very far because I chased after him and had to have one more hug and one more kiss. But that time, that was it. Our day was over. Our two month wait had to begin.
I couldn’t breathe and couldn’t think and couldn’t do anything but stand there and cry as he walked up the sidewalk and into the building. I’m not sure how I walked back to the car and drove back to the hotel. My stomach was in knots and my head was throbbing and my eyes were puffy. I couldn’t sleep. When I tried to get on my computer, it died. When I tried to use my phone to text him one more time, it died. When I tried to use the hotel room phone to attempt calling him to hear his voice one more time, it would not connect. I broke down for half an hour before I could pull myself together enough to make a trip to walmart for a cell phone charger. I was so mad at myself for forgetting to pack my chargers. When I finally got my phone working again, I was able to text him for a little while before he had to go to bed. At that point I was at the absolute bottom of the emotional rollercoaster I’d been riding all day.
I cried myself to sleep just to wake up in four hours – at 2:30 a.m. – to leave the hotel and head back to the airport. It took an hour to get there, I had to fill up the rental with gas and then turn it back in, and then get through security before my 6 a.m. flight. The airport was already full of guys from his platoon that were catching flights earlier than his. Some of them actually recognized me from the pictures he had in his locker, and they were excited to meet me after hearing him talk about me for 9 weeks. =) that made me happy, knowing how much he talked about me and missed me. I congratulated and thanked them all, and moved on to my gate. Several guys begin filling up the seats in nearby gates and a few were even sitting in my area. When I finally boarded the plane and found my seat, I just happened to be sitting right next to one of his buddies that I had just met. He told me he was sorry he couldn’t trade flights with him so he could have spent more time with me. I was happy to be sitting with someone that actually knew him instead of a total stranger that wouldn’t understand why tears kept rolling down my cheeks. We talked for a few minutes before I decided to catch a quick nap. The rest of my day involved another layover, another flight, and a 5 hour drive back home. I cried almost the entire time. I would cry until my eyes couldn’t cry anymore, and I would feel numb for a while before some thought went through my mind or some lyrics on the radio triggered the tears again.
I was able to talk to him a little bit more via text messaging at random times throughout the day, so that helped me get home a little easier. I couldn’t stop thinking about how fast everything went by and how it all felt like a bittersweet dream. I wanted to go back to being in the hotel in his arms and never ever leave. But I had to move on, I had to get back to school and focus 110% of my attention on studying, and then Christmas would be here in no time. And when we’re home for Christmas, I’ll have more than a few hours to spend with him. I’ll have a few days, and that is what I am looking forward to the most right now.
I finally made it back to my apartment. I was literally numb and exhausted from driving and being upset. I spent the rest of my day on the couch trying to focus on just the happy moments we had together in the last day and trying to block out how sad I was about leaving him. It is so tough, and actually physically painful, to be away from him. Call it ridiculous, call it obsession, call it love… but it really hurts. I watched a movie, watched tv, wasted time on the internet, texted him a lot to check on his progress getting to his next post, and before I finally went to sleep for the night he called me. =)
I survived three months without him, and this time it’s only two. It’s not going to be any easier, but I know I can handle it and I know this Christmas will be the most amazing one ever.
