passing through unconscious states

she sits and she listens. looking through her camera she sees the most beautiful potential photographs yet captures none. watching the half-dressed girls throw themselves at half-drunk guys. it's fascinating the way their brains work. no one will ever know why. they push her around in the crowded hallway but they don't know she's there. she's just watching and waiting. observing and laughing. the smell of alcohol and smoke hang heavy in the air and she almost can't breath. she wonders why she came... she wonders how she'll leave. "so you're not drinking? why did you come?" they notice her. they glare at her. their questions beat her into the wall. she longs to be ignored again. she just wants to blend in. she doesn't want to be noticed. innocent excuses pour from her lips. they smile and turn away. she feels no temptation to act as they do... she just needs her fix of claustrophobia and then she's ready to leave. a silent sigh of relief escapes her mouth when her feet reach the door. the cold air slices through her entire body when she steps outside. it feels so clean. it feels so pure and untouched. she soaks it up and hopes it washes away the feelings she has felt. her ears and fingers hurt from the cold... and she savors every moment. the walk back is long... enjoyable...needed. the darkness and the silence and the winter wind is all she needed to begin with. so why waste time? she can't answer that. but for now... she doesnt care.